I am known to be logical when faced with sensitive topics, concerning myself and the ones I love. I spout cold, harsh logic and not compassion. I lead with heart and speak with my head. I’m unbalanced.
I contradict myself.
I’m a girl.
I don’t feel like a girl. I don’t feel like a boy.
I definitely feel like something but I can’t name it.
“Labels don’t matter” and logically that’s right.
My head and heart are like a broken system of checks and balances, and when I was told that what I call myself doesn’t matter, I was torn in half. Worse yet, I went with my head once again and my heart shrunk a little more.
“I’ll be called a girl, because it’s just easier, it makes more sense. The non-binary does not exist.” I had myself convinced.
I was prepared to discard it all. Another conversation with my boyfriend seemed to seal the deal. I saw his perspective and my head agreed, and because I love him I assumed my heart agreed too. Then I talked to my best friend, my more emotionally sound trans boy counterpart. He brought up how gender is individual, and I told him to stop talking. I knew if I listened to him I’d just feel even more torn. I hated feeling uncertain more than I hated invalidation.
“And then something great happened” I want to say. The truth is though, these events all happened so close together that I didn’t have that “Aha!” moment until hindsight kicked in.
My best friend and I went to a silent gathering for Trans troops. We ran into people there that made him feel accepted. He cried tears of joy, he said for the first time. I cried too. I wrote it off as me being happy for him, since I knew how much it meant to him.
Later, we went to a board meeting for the group of folks who arranged the gathering and said we can help spread their message of acceptance. I was excited to be a part of something greater than me.
Someone on the committee told me something. That names are personal, you don’t need someone to justify your name.
I wrote it off again.
Until I wrote it all down, just now.
My head and heart finally agree, if I don’t act on my feelings then I’ll stand for nothing.